otis has managed to upset me again because i mentioned i was spotting. I’m sorry that being a woman and having my cycle, a NATURAL thing for women to have, is disturbing to you. i am trying to hard to communicate with you and tell you i want to see you but this is why i didn’t invite you over. you’d rather I lie to you?
i’m kind of proud of myself.
today started off kind of iffy. there’s a guy i see… we can call him Otis. Otis and I have known each other for almost 3 years now, and we’re friends with benefits, i suppose. i say suppose because while, yes, we sleep together, he and i laugh and talk about silly things when were laying in bed together and stuff. it’s stuff I bet we’d do if we were officially a couple, except we have no obligation to each other. 3 out of the last four times he’s been here, he’s spent the night - which is a huge deal to me, because my rule has more or less always been if i love you and trust you enough, you can sleep over… so the last two boyfriends I had were the only ones who were allowed to do that. Otis is the first that isn’t a boyfriend who I allow doing that.
And I guess it’s important to note, my boyfriends - all three that i’ve had - were all very mentally manipulative. I have issues with trusting people, and that includes them using my shower (which also happened last night), and sleeping in my bed. Some people think nothing of it, but I hold it as a place of respect and trust. I am allowing you to see me drool in my sleep, or all the hair i have collected in a container in the shower for when I shed. You can see all the products I use, and smell my soap. and now smell like me because you’ve used it.
so do I love Otis? I’m not sure. But I have let my guard down enough to try and trust him. And so this morning he tells me I snored a lot last night. And I just…. melted into this puddle of embarrassment. he asked me if I had sleep apnea, and after I said yes, he was like ‘well why didn’t you tell me!’ to which i replied by covering my face with my blankets. and later I drove him home and kissed him, and he wiped it off like a five year old would wipe off a kiss from the girl who is mad crushing on him but he thinks she has cooties. And i know… i KNOW he wouldn’t try and hurt me intentionally. But that doesn’t make it not hurt, you know?
so I kind of pushed him out of my car, and he left and as he was walking away, i started to cry. I was wearing sunglasses, so he didn’t know when he turned around and walked back to wave at me. But it really hit me hard. So i drive home with tears, and land on my couch and I end up falling back asleep, when I wake up I start crying again. I got this feeling like I get when i’m extremely depressed - where I wanted to shut everyone and everything out and just stare at the wall and thoughts of self harm.
so i shut off my phone. and my television. and my computer.
and i changed into yoga pants and a tank top and sneakers. and i went for a walk.
and after 30 minutes or so (i didn’t bring anything to time or track me), i didn’t necessarily have all the thoughts out of my head that i wanted to escape, but i made a positive choice in my day instead of smoking weed, or eating, or cutting. I took a step in the right direction. and I’m really fucking proud of myself. I didn’t do it for Otis, I didn’t do it for my psychiatrist, or my manager who keeps talking to me about the fucking fast metabolism diet. I did it for ME.
Ironically enough, I started writing a song when I was walking just by accident, and the lyrics I remembered tonight I made into a verse and chorus, but it was about him. Within a half hour of finishing it, Otis texted me apologizing. He said “I feel like I actually made you feel bad” along with the i’m sorry, and I’m just kind of shocked he recognized it. I told him I wasn’t mad, but embarrassed - and then when I told him why, he told me not to worry about it. So I guess that means we’re back to normal.
So all in all, even though my morning felt like an emotional catastrophe, I made a good choice today - and for that, I’m proud of myself.
It’s hilarious that we live in a society that will shame you for how much sex you have and for the junk food you eat. Like, wow, how dare you eat delicious foods and have orgasms, you’re a monster. Enjoy your miserable life filled with pleasures.